So after the ending of a long marriage/relationship, I shut my heart off.

So meeting someone else or liking anyone wasn’t on the cards at all. I thought it was going to be easier to never be hurt again.

But something changed and I let someone in, which I never thought would happen with this guy.

It makes you question yourself and should I have gone there, we were both drunk and then or now I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we did try going out. Yes we grew up together, can we move on, but then I can’t help but now have feelings.

I’m not the best for opening up to people, then I had the divorce to go through and I have always said I didn’t want to let anyone in because I didn’t want them to have to feel like they had to be there at that time.

But now I am at the end, yet those feelings for that guy haven’t gone away, I’ve tried talking to other guys and dating, but still always wonder about him. Is it stupid, he won’t feel the same, there are prettier women out there for him than me.

I never have felt like I was worth and felt like the ugly duckling against my friends.

I look at some of my single friends and they want someone who has a good job, ambition and good looking. But I see past that, as long as they have a job and take care of their shit, that’s a good man in my eyes, he doesn’t need to be rich or vain and so on. Just treat me like he cares.

So again it was a drunken kiss and should I just move on from it!!!

So after a really busy week, it would be nice just relax, see friends and go out drink and dance.

Now only if that was so easy, it’s nothing like being 18 and just going out on the drop of a hat. It’s getting everyone to agree on a date and totally agreeing to it and making sure no one drops out.

You then speak about the night out till the date comes around and then you start getting the excuses:-

1. Not well
2. Can’t afford it
3. Can’t get a sitter
4. I forgot it was tonight
5. I’m working next day
6. I’ll drive

And so the list goes on.

It’s not just a night out in the end. It’s getting it set in stone and making sure no excuses are made.

As we all have doubts going out but once your out and it’s a brilliant and fun night!

So its been a while in doing this, I have been going through alot and trying to rebuild myself.  Its not a easy process thats for sure.

So many things dont stop because you are rebuilding yourself, you have to make small changes while life goes on, it might be hard but will be worth it in the end.

Main goal is just to be happy with yourself and that in it’s self is a massive change, i myself dont like me, mainly my weight and one of the main issues is that I just dont sleep very well and that would help my body to stop being continously tired but i will continue to fight, i am exercising 4 times a week.  3 of those days is attending Rikashake which i totally love, the girls which go is a double bonus as i class alot of them as good friends and its not just about keeping fit, we all push each other and have a laugh everytime, but even if one is struggling we all rally together and support that person.

Media is one of the main factors which make a lot of woman worried over there weight, all adverts, social media, magazines, even shop windows dont show the actually average woman and a lot of supermodels even ridiculed as they arent thin enough.  But how can we stop this, more of us need to stand up and fight and not have to worry about which look we should have and just love how we look and anyway if we were all the same we’d be boring.

So no i its a small blog but i need to sit down and get my head straight and put dont where I want to go with my blog and my live.  So bear with me, i am trying.

So haven’t done much blogging for a while, but still searching for way to do or change my life.  So many obstacles are put in our way, which we either let take us down, or we decided to fight them and make things better or get rid of that negative.  Even when in a bad place, if you just let it get to you, nothing will ever change, so you must pick yourself up and decide to overcome and fight to gain responsibility of your life.  You maybe totally knackered but you only can fight this and make life better for yourself.  So i am willing to fight for my life and make it better for me, I will get the life i want to have it may take me longer than some but i want the bad to end which is nearly at the end and begin afresh.

So haven’t written for a while now, lots going on.
Interesting.

Been a eventful few weeks and yet I am slowly plodding along but so want someone to speak too, have hug me and say yes you are what I want!

But then that’s asking a lot and will take someone brave enough to want me, I know I’m not perfect, slim or supermodel but just like me.

I’m fighting so much with anger against a person, who I gave a lot of my life to and how they have treated me the last few years, months and weeks and still they think they have co operated with every right, who is that person kidding. You have shown no maturity, compassion, adult behaviour or only business between two people and also let someone threaten, message me, tell me I need to grow up. Actually you r the one who needs to look in the mirror and keep out and that the person doesn’t let them get involved.

I am trying to get on with my life but just want to be free and able to start off in the direction I want.

So I haven’t had the best few days or week, this trying to find who I am isn’t as easy as I thought. Only good thing is that all important details is back in my maid name and Saturday I got to change the last thing. My personalised number plate, rid of married name and that was a good thing. But been a weird day today, got cleaning done and got dragged into town with bestie Emma lol, but it was later in the evening while watching call the midwife that my emotions got to me.

Part of the story line was a couple loving each other no matter what her issue was and took me back to the ex husband and how hard it was telling him about my problem and loving him more when he said it wasn’t about appearance but that he loved me and would never run away. Which really got to me and I couldn’t stop crying, had to go out into the kitchen as mum was here and didn’t want her to see me crying. Which explains my trust issues and so wish I hadn’t loved him for all that time.

I just have no idea what’s in store for me and I so want to just be happy mainly with myself.

People don’t have a clue really what is going on with anyone. Sometimes includes family & friends, you try to talk to them in your head, but actually telling them is whole different story. I myself have struggled with depression and my last breakdown was quite a few years ago and that was down to him thinking of himself and me making sure he was ok and that he grieved and it came to point where I was working myself into the ground with work, looking after a home, trying to keep fit and taking care of him and I let him get away with a lot, he would go out with work and not have a sec thought about me and the time he came in and that I worried about him. But it all came to a head and I actually spotted it and went to see my doc. This one I was able to help myself more but knew I had to be more selfish and look after myself.

Even through all the shit I have gone through since he walked out, I have been upset of course. But handled myself on more of a mature way and made sure I didn’t get too low. But I still struggled and have too moments of wanting to end it and felt so lone. I don’t talk to anyone as I just don’t want to put my problems onto them, which could be why I have put these walls up and won’t let anyone in but also afraid too. I just want to be hugged by someone who wants to be with me, which use to be my best friend – ex husband and how do u move on from all the hurt he caused and the 2 sentences he said which makes me know I am ugly and repulsive, I wish I saw if there was a beautiful person there but don’t.

Stress / depression is a illness which only that person can or can’t control and it’s always a massive struggle to stay and keep fighting but I try to use humour and not show anyone that I am struggling and I wish I could not be like this!

I do want to look more into these things but I need to start liking me first!

Getting back into business and pushing it, what’s the point in having ambition and not taking full advantage of it. Got to get my confidence back and I know I can do it all. I smile when dad looks at my nail art and says that’s not hands free, yes it is dad and all done my me.

All mine, free hand.

So I’ve lost over 2 1/2 stone but I just feel just as ugly and don’t see what others do. But that is down to always feeling like the ugly duckling to all my friends and some horrible things my ex husband said – which I didn’t think he would say. So my rika classes are back on now for the new year and I’m going to keep trying and eating healthy as possible and having my Herbalife shake at lunch.

Yes I do want to be pretty but I just want to feel good about myself and maybe meet a man who will love me for me!!

So I have a thing for quotes, they can be true or just something which makes u smile. So still planning and a lot of thinking into how I want my life to go and I am getting that I have to divide into sections and work from that as otherwise it will never work:-

• Body
• Work
• Nail & Beauty business
• Social life
• Love life

There are probably more but sticking with them at the minute.

So now it’s looking at whether these are the right tracks or just fantasies???